I’m Afraid of Going Insane

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Now that you have read that title, you have ideas about what I actually mean. Your mind has already raced ahead to assume what this is about. You think maybe I’m hearing voices in my head. Well, maybe that is accurate since I’m a writer. Bad example.

If I have agateophobia (the fear of insanity), it is because the world makes me feel that way. Seriously, those around me act like part of the All About Eve story. You know that movie that stared Betty Davis. She has a dark past that has many questioning her sanity. When her niece comes to visit her, strange things begin to happen. Eve thinks she is loosing it only discover… Spoiler alert! She discovers that her relative is making her appear mad to obtain Eve’s wealth. In the end, Eve becomes what everyone thought of her in an attempt to administer justice.

Yes, I have an imagination. I love to think of “what if” scenarios, but I do know the difference between reality and imagination. I’m beginning to think some people do not. They create a world that doesn’t exist and pretend that it does.

I have seen this first hand. Someone recounts an event and everyone listening has their mouths hanging open. That wasn’t how anyone else remembers it! Were they all at the same event?

I’m very serious. I was told once how I was screaming over an accident with another member of the family. A frown quickly appeared on my face because I wasn’t even at the scene. Others tried to correct the person who had told the tale of my hysterics, but she would hear none of it. I was there and completely lost it. Oh, the things I do that I am not even aware of.

There seems to be quite a few things that happen that I was directly involved in but have no recollection. Seriously! People recount an event and swear I was there, I said something, or I did something. What? I wasn’t even in the state at the time. Well, it seems I can be in two places at once. I even say things that I would never even think of. It’s truly amazing.

I had one person recounting an event in which I was completely wasted. Funny how I have never been drunk and I wasn’t at the event the person swears I was at. But the story persists.

There is even the story of me nearly punching someone out. Neither me or one other person with me at the time recall anything close to that, but someone I was able to nearly get into my first physical fight.

Do you have that problem? I mean, surely I’m not alone in this crazy world! Don’t you have it where others tell you things you have said or done but you don’t remember them at all? Yes, I know there are some people who just rewrite history so they look better or others look bad. If you are one of those, I’m not talking to you. You’re not going, you are already there.

Oh, well. Guess I have to live with the created realities. Maybe we all create them. We all change what really happened to be what we want it to be! Could that be it? Then we are all insane.

Note: This is just sarcasm. I’m not making fun of those with issues. It’s just sometimes we have people telling us we have issues that we don’t have and we have no idea how to deal with them.

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I Think I’m Haunted

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No, I’m not crazy. Okay, maybe I am, but that is not the point here. The point is that I seriously think I’m haunted. There are voices in my head. They whisper in my ear. I have to be haunted.

In my free time, I’m a writer. That means not much time writing as I work full-time. Well, at least there is not much actual writing going on. But I hear the characters talk to me no matter what I’m doing, even moving product around the country.

Yes, I said they talk to me. I can be in the middle of processing an order for my day job. A whisper in my head creates a scene or an entirely new plot idea. I hear the characters tell me what they think should happen or how they want to develop. They don’t always agree with the way I see a story going. They tend to have their own opinions and like to voice them.

But the voices are not really why I think I’m haunted. It is the voices of past characters who keep coming back to remind me that they are not dead. Yep, their souls are still there and like to drop hints for more stories about them. Like I don’t have enough story ideas!!! They add to the list.

Characters never really leave for the fictional after-life. They stick around like ghosts. They are not solid, but their essence is there to torture you. I say torture because I have laid them to rest and moved on. But they refuse to just fade into the night. They persist to plot and scheme.

I don’t mean to complain. Their presence is not always terrifying as you expect from a haunting. There are times when they bring a smile to my face. I remember getting to know them and experiencing so many adventures with them. Oh, the memories!

Only writers can understand the idea of being haunted by fictional people. It is a most unique situations. I’m just glad my hauntings aren’t like King’s. That would be an experience I’d pass on.

Alone in a Sea of People

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Have you ever heard that you can be alone in a crowd? I heard that phrase and thought it was poetic sounding and meant to be discussed in a philosophy class. That can be true, but it can be a very literal saying that I have learned from personal experience. You can be alone with a hundred people around you.

A crowd does not mean you are connected. That is what it comes down to. Connections. A crowd is just people. They are bodies, many times with no interest in you.

Think of it this way. You are sitting at a family gathering. You are troubled about an issue at work or are having marital problems. It could be depression haunting you. Those around you have no idea about what is hurting you inside. You are alone because no one else can connect with you.

Being alone can be physical and emotional. Alone can be no one around or no one who can understand and connect to you. I’ve felt it way too often.

Hurt is familiar to all of us. Not everyone knows about it. Your pain eats at you, but no one else can see it. It’s like seeing a ghost no one else can. Those around you cannot understand your reaction nor your feelings. You are alone in a crowd.

Most of the time, people don’t want to discuss such issues. To expose our inner feelings, makes us more vulnerable. That is dangerous and uncomfortable to us. We want to avoid those feelings.

I have found that writing scenes that require a character to feel alone in a character can be enjoyable because I have been there and felt that way. An author writes the best scenes if they have experienced the characters’ feelings. The author can make the scene real.

I wrote a novel for my master’s thesis. It turned out to be a very emotional piece of writing as I put so many real events from my life in it. The Black Sheep is a story of a middle-aged woman facing the death of her mother. Not only does she have to deal with the intense feelings within her, she has to deal with family drama which everyone faces at one time or another. The emotions of her mother dying, tension with siblings, and the fear and questions of the past are all from me. That made the scenes harder to write and more real.

Being alone in a crowd is very real. Connection of emotions is what it means. We can’t do it with everyone. Don’t feel bad if you have these feelings. Admit them. You can deal with them better if you do.

The Most Challenging Question I’ve Been Asked

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My daughter asked me a simple question the other day. It was very simple, yet I cannot shake my…answer.

The daughter who has been married for a couple of years asked, “Mom, if work gave you an opportunity to move to France for two years, would you go?” I work for a French owned company who send interns over to work in the States for a specified period of time. So in that aspect, it was a simple question.

Let’s start with the fact that I would never be asked to do that. I’m in not in a position in that company to ever be offerred that, but it still got me thinking. That was even more so after I quickly answered, “No!”

Catherine asked me, “Why not?”

“Well, there are things to consider like my house here, my husband, my….” That’s all I had. She pushed for more concrete answers, and I could not give her a single thing. I couldn’t even use my job as an excuse as it would have been my job sending me there. Therefore I would have income.

She hung up, and I kept hearing that question and my answer in my head. Shame swept over me. I gave a coward’s answer. I would be afraid to move to a different country and have to live in it for more than the time I would have spent if I had gone on vacation. Adventure would have awaited me, and I would have run from it.

I’m boring. It’s just a fact. I’m boring as watching sand fall through an hourglass. Telling anything about my life is blah. No one wants to know anything about me because there is nothing interesting. I read. I write. I work. I crochet. I’m learning to knit. Aren’t you excited to hear more? I’m not even interested.

I want to have my tombstone say, “She lived a hell of a life!” It won’t say that if I kicked the bucket today. I hang my head in shame.

I know why I’m like this. I was raised to be safe, to take the conservative route, to not take risks. My very upbringing prohibits me from enjoying life to its fullest. Only brother dared to break from that. He joined the Navy and has gone on adventures nearly every year of life even after leaving the Navy that took him throughout the Western hemisphere. Even though he moved back to within a few miles of where he had been born, he goes to places like Africa and experiences life. I’m so jealous of him. Note: I am jealous in a good way that only a sister who idolizes him can.

I want to do that. I want to live life. So I have decided to start a real bucket list. I’ll be fifty in a couple of years. My youngest is leaving home next year. I have the chance to live my life in a way like never before. I’m actually going to it.

I’ll share with you my list. I’ll share with you as I prepare for them and actually do them. World, watch out! Who knows what story ideas I’ll get from my adventures.

Should I Be Worried That I Enjoy Writing Evil Characters?

I’ve found a horrible secret that I’ve hid from myself. When I write an evil character, I find myself enjoying it. There! I said it! What a relief to that off my chest.

I hinted at this once and got the impression that I was horrible for feeling that way. Maybe they were right. But it feels so good when I’m in that character’s head.

Let me stop here and clear a few things up. I do not enjoy writing about deception, murder, or anything else horrific. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the challenge to be something I’m not and explore feelings that are taboo.

I discovered this when I wrote my first book, Deep Connections, which is published under my pen name of Shadow Steele. I had sections of my trilogy where I wrote from the point of the view of the evil character. I enjoyed describing this greed and desire for revenge. It wasn’t long before I found his sections were meatier than the others.

Then I wrote a story called Pure Obsession that will be coming out under another pen name before the end of the year. It is a very dark story told from two different POVs. One chapter would be from the female character. The next one would be from the male character who could be classified as the bad guy. When I wrote the chapters for Marcus, I had to be completely alone. My temper was short as I got into his mind and reflected his thoughts and feelings. I mentally became Marcus. But his sections were sooooooo good.

What does that say about me? Maybe I just freed a part of me that had been locked up. Maybe I opened up an exciting new creative world that had yet been untapped by me. It was a challenge for me and one that continues to challenge me.

I’m playing around with the idea of writing a story just from the evil guy’s perspective. Not sure who or the premise, but it’s bouncing around in my head.

What are your thoughts? Got an idea for a story I can play around with?

Inspiration From Teenage Drama

Teenagers can be very dramatic. I mean VERY! Trust me when I say this. I’ve had three. The drama puts TV shows to shame.

It never fails for my seventeen year old daughter to daily give me a run down on the drama in her teenage group. I know who is dating who, who broke up with who, and who did something royally stupid.

I have to admit here that there are times I just want to scream. I get sick of hearing about it all especially since I know most of the drama will be forgotten in a few hours by all involved. Over time, I began to notice ideas taking root in my mind as the drama swirled around me.

After I had dropped the kids off at the coffee shop, I thought on what had been said. What if this happened? What if that happened? Stories begin to form in my mind.

What just happened? Teenage drama penetrated my writing sphere! Yep, I’ve been invaded by the dark side.

I have a young adult story started due to my daughter and her friends talking about a girl asking a guy out to a dance and to only be turned down by the jerk. That was their word for him, not mine.

There are stories present in all that drama. I just have to sift through the ultra-drama, or at least some of it. Even that kind of over the top can be inspiration for me as a writer.

Maybe the pain and suffering of that drama will pay off.

Sometimes You Just Need a Drink

Life is not easy going. It is not a bed of roses. We have heard these sayings and other similar ones. Well, they are all true. That means that sometimes you just need a drink.

I had one of those days at work. When I say work, I mean my day job that pays the bills and supplies health insurance. It also supplies a lot of writing material though sometimes I wish it was not quite so exciting.

I didn’t ask for patience. I didn’t ask to have roughness in my life to smooth my own rough edges. By the end of the day, I needed a drink.

There are times it feels like that every day. I get very stressed when I feel like I’m in a deep pit with others standing around the edge to pelt me with rocks. Do you get that? Do you feel that you have a target on your back or at least all over your body? Please tell me I’m not alone.

It seems that too often I’m on the defensive. Someone is pointing a finger at me because they want to cover up their mistake. Oh, I make plenty of mistakes. They don’t point them out. Maybe because I admit to them. They make up stuff. I just don’t get it.

I do try to turn it around and make it positive. In fact, I think of scenerios I could put in a book where they get payback. Oh, the fun I have in that. It can be funny at times. I don’t have them murdered in my mind. I have in comical situations, embarrassing situations. Then I laugh the next time I see them because I see them with the pie in the face or the monkey licking their face.

The best part? They have no idea what I’m laughing about. I really do get the last laugh then.

Why In the World Did I Ever Think of Being a Writer?

To answer this question, I think I have to go back to my early childhoold. No, I did not dream of a being a best selling novel. No, I did not write notebooks full of stories. Wish I had. My beginnings as a writer were much more practical to me. I wrote stories in my head to help me sleep.

Some people can lay down and be asleep within minutes if not seconds. Not me. It would take me sometimes hours. I discovered that stories I wrote helped me sleep. It still took me quite a long time, but I would never notice when I slipped into DreamLand.

I would take a story I had read or something I had seen on TV (probably Disney as we only had two or three channels back then – yes, I just told my age.) One night, I’d work on the first scene. The next night, I’d try to remember where I left off and perfected a few things. That first scene could take a month or more to finish as I did it over and over, but it helped me to sleep. That was the goal.

When I was a kid, I read Gone With the Wind. This was a woman who had had no training as a writer and left a legacy. Why couldn’t I do it? Then I knew that one day I’d write a story. It took me another decade or two to actually attempt it.

Now, I have been told that I wrote stories in my school years, but I honestly do not remember them. Maybe they were just so bad that I wanted to forget they had ever existed.

My first story written was only to stop a recurring dream. A friend suggested I write it out so I’d stop dreaming. Then it turned into a book, then into a trilogy and then a few short stories to fill in gaps. The rest is the cliched history.

Sleep. Dreams. The perfect writing inspiration for me.

Too Much of a Good Thing?

It is true that you can have too much of a good thing. Too much fruit can increase your sugar levels and make you sick. Too much of your favorite foods can have you not wanthing them for a while. You can get too much of a good thing. Even writing.

I’ve been writing up to 2000 words a day for the last month and a half. Finished one story and picked up another that was halfway done. Then I felt sick to write even one line. I had done too much of it without a break. That was too much of a good thing.

Over the years, I’ve discovered that I need to step away from projects for a spell. I will put all my energy into a project and then can’t do more. I have to step away for a few days or weeks before the interest returns. Maybe my brain just needs recharging. Maybe too many thoughts are rummaging around up there.

Currently, I have been away from my writing for nearly a week. The urge is upon me again. I’ve spent these days off reading and watching shows. Inspiration has struck in several areas. Suddenly, I felt rejuvenated. Now I finished a short story and am working on the next chapter in the novel that is my current WIP.

This is exciting. I feel new energy. Now I have to make sure I don’t burn out quickly again. In order to avoid that, I’m going to force myself to have time away to just read and take walks. I think I can. I think I can. I sure hope I can.

The Realization I’ve Been Doing It All Wrong

I’ve been writing online for over a decade. I’ve been writing fiction for just under that. During that time, I read and listened to so much advise on writing and publishing. I’ve discovered I’ve been doing it all wrong!

The amount of advice for writers online is astronomical. I was pretty religious in reading all that advice. Each piece I implemented, and each time I fell flat on my face. They were telling me what to do, but they weren’t telling if I should.

I was recently listening to a podcast called “So You Want to Be a Writer”. I’ve just started so I am now binge listening from the beginning. That means I’m listening to multiple episodes at a time and filling notebooks of ideas and such that I glean from them. A common idea is that you need to be yourself. Surprise! That is easy, but that is not what I have been told. Well, I should know better than to do everything I’m told. My brother did tell me once to go play in the street.

I set up a website. I found it stifling and boring. I took it down. I put up another website and found the same restrictive feeling. You see, I thought I was doing everything all the wise writers were telling me too. I only wrote about writing and my books. UGH! No one got to really see the real me who is not near that boring. Or at least I don’t think I am.

The advice on this podcast was to be myself. Talk about my day. Talk about the meal I just cooked. Don’t always talk about writing and my books. Umph, that seems contradictory, but guess what? I would prefer to read those blogs that talk about everyday things in a humorous light. Maybe I should be myself afterall!

This was something to ponder. And I did. Pondered while I worked my day job. Pondered while I drove home. Pondered replying to emails. Pondered and pondered away. Then I felt like the village idiot.

So this begins my journey on being me. You’ll find a warped sense of humor at times. You’ll find a chaotic life. But I hope you find some entertainment. Yes, I might share some news of my writing here and there, but I swear it will not be blog posts of “Buy my book!” or other such mundane rubbish.

Now I’m off to think of the next post which might be about my lazy dog or my lazy husband or both. Toodles!